MADE WITH WANDERLOVE

Suicide is a topic that is often taboo and difficult to discuss, but it is important to address the dark thoughts that can arise from overwhelming life circumstances. I’ve explored and unpacked my life vigilantly with several amazing professionals since my dad’s passing to cancer in 2011.

Finding the right therapist is like finding the right partner. You go on several dates to see if you vibe, communicate, feel inspired and safe. I’ve had 4 therapists in 12 years. One unfortunately passed from cancer, one moved and the 2 I currently utilize symbolize different parts of me that need healing and transformation. One is connected more to my faith and inspires me with God’s love. She reminds me I am God’s child and have purpose far beyond my own understanding. I call her my Spiritual Director. The other connects more to my inquisitive and existentialist mind. He feeds the dark parts of my mind with light and allows me to exist in the dark knowing it’s not a place to get lost in. I call him Adam. Therapy allowed me to explore the impact of my health problems, that included being born with a deformity, having a colostomy bag for 8 years of my childhood/early adulthood and having reconstructive vaginal surgery at 36 due to a MRKH diagnosis. Therapy allowed open conversation regarding the profound void after the death of loved ones, the death of dreams caused by an unwanted divorce, and a breakup resulting in perhaps the most unimaginable heartache I have felt yet. Perhaps because I never believed I would be able to open my heart again after the kind of divorce I had and not bring that baggage into another relationship and make another individual deal with the insecurities and trust issues caused by someone else. But Adam reminded me how beautiful the work I did with my Spiritual Director over the last 4 years to be able to love someone so openly and without fear. I didn’t care what the end goal was, I just wanted to know I could love again. Because really what’s a life worth living? For me, it’s a life with love.

Health problems can be a major trigger for dark thoughts of suicide, as they can cause immense physical and emotional pain. Chronic illnesses, disabilities, or terminal illnesses can make life feel unbearable and hopeless. The constant struggle with pain and suffering can lead to feelings of helplessness and despair, which may ultimately result in thoughts of ending one’s own life.

The death of a parent, uncle, or aunt can also be a devastating blow that can trigger thoughts of suicide. Losing a loved one, especially someone who was a significant figure in one’s life, can create a deep sense of grief and loss that can be overwhelming. The pain of losing a parent or close family member can leave a person feeling lost, alone, and without purpose, which can lead to thoughts of ending their own life.

Unwanted divorce and breakups can also be significant triggers for dark thoughts of suicide. The end of a marriage or relationship can bring about feelings of rejection, betrayal, and abandonment, which can be incredibly painful to endure. The loss of a partner or soulmate can leave a person feeling heartbroken and shattered, with a sense of emptiness and loneliness that can be difficult to bear. The sudden loss of a significant relationship can create feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, which may lead to thoughts of suicide as a way to escape the pain.

It is important to remember that dark thoughts of suicide are not a sign of weakness or failure, but rather a sign of deep emotional distress and overwhelming pain. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, it is crucial to seek help and support from mental health professionals, friends, and loved ones. There is always help available, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through difficult times. Think about all the comedians in life that have committed suicide. They brought so much joy into our lives, yet they were feeling alone and in despair. Sometimes we just need a time out from life. Getting in nature and pushing my body to do the unthinkable has always been my best time out. I have to keep moving because when I am completely still, my mind goes to dark places.

A quick reminder of God’s work. I landed in Nairobi at 6pm 8/27 knowing that I was going to have a 15 hour layover before getting on a plane to Tanzania tomorrow morning 8/28 at 8am. Although I was aware that I needed to get a Tanzanian visa, which I did, I had no plans on leaving the airport. But that’s not how it works here. You can’t just hang out for an entire day. After hours of talking to several immigration people, I finally got connected to someone that was willing to actually help and get my visa approved in minutes versus days. I quickly got on Expedia, found a 5 star hotel near airport and booked. Luckily, my ruck was still in baggage claim after being there for 3 hours. I got an Uber, we couldn’t find each other, so I cancelled and became friends with a few of the taxi drivers. I prayed that he was as honest as he seemed, and 20 minutes later I was at the hotel. There were so many times I wanted to cry through my bags down, questioned what the hell I was doing and for what purpose. Then I said to myself “Because you do hard things. You’re not afraid of being in a foreign country. You can physically protect yourself if need be. The weight of these bags are a symbol of the sadness you have carried in your heart for so long. F these thoughts and fears, You got this!”

God’s work was evident in the way everything fell into place, despite the challenges and uncertainties. Through prayer, determination, and faith, I was able to navigate through unfamiliar territory and come out in a 5 star hotel in Kenya. It is a reminder that God is always with us, guiding us and helping us overcome obstacles. Trust in Him and know that He is always working behind the scenes, orchestrating things for our good. Keep moving forward with courage and faith knowing that you are capable if doing hard things with God by your side. And if you don’t believe in God, find someone that does and let them pray for you and let them be your light.

Remember that you are loved, valued, and worthy of help and support, and that there is always a way through the darkness to a place of healing and peace. Stay strong, reach out for help, and know that you are not alone in your struggles. You are loved and you are enough.